The last of my original Sucks Arse blogs became so expansive that I ended up writing it in five parts. The game garnered such venomous spite from gamers across the internet that I simply couldn’t call them all douchebags in just one post. The posts came thick and fast and, for the first time in Sucks Arse history, five Sucks Arse blogs were posted on each of five consecutive days, from April 24th to April 28th 2012. Such was the blog’s popularity that pictures from and links to it were posted by random users on the Bioware forum pages, much to my amusement and horror (here’s still, to this day, hoping that the folks at Bioware, if they read those posts, have a damn good sense of humor). So, without further ado, and with no more comment from me on parts two to five, here is my magnum opus, Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse…
Oh yes, you all knew this day was coming and finally it is here. The Interweb has been aflame with controversy over Bioware’s latest offering, Mass Effect 3, but now it is time to put all controversy to bed with the definitive explanation of exactly how and why the conclusion of the sci-fi trilogy sucks arse. (I realize that there are dozens of web pages and YouTube videos that claim to be the definitive explanation, but that’s bullshit and you know it.)
Before I begin, I’d better say the necessary:
***SPOILERS***
There. That makes me feel better.
So you’ve probably figured that this whole blog is about the ending(s) to Mass Effect 3. Well, the majority of it focuses on the ending(s), but there are a few points to make about the game as a whole, things so Earth-shatteringly important that they may very well be the reason the Reapers decided to wipe out all human life in the first place, so I shall start with them.
(NB – I’m going to bullet-point the shit out of this bitch.)
1 – Day One DLC
There are few things as brain-haemmorhagingly awful as extra content that comes out on the same day that the game is released. Let’s face it, if I’ve spent $60 (£40) on a game then I don’t want to be spending an extra $10 (£7.99) on DLC (DownLoadable Content) on the same day (24-hour period) that I (me) purchased (bought) the game (audio-visual entertainment software).
This issue is clearly all EA’s fault, because they’re devil-children, suckers of Satan’s pecker and, officially (in some online poll) the Worst Company In America (yeah – fuck the bankers, a videogame company trumps those assholes every time). I mean, I’m sure that BioWare worked hard on Mass Effect 3, only to be hamstrung by the corporate monsters at Electronic Arts. I’m sure that, during the down-time between finishing the main game and it being put on store shelves, the BioWare crew felt that they would selflessly put many hours of unpaid work into creating an expansive add-on for a videogame, releasing it for free to the masses with an abject apology that it wasn’t in the final release of the game. Because, you know, game designers don’t need to earn money – they can sustain themselves on a diet consisting exclusively of digital data (ever wonder where the phrase “Having a Byte To Eat” came from? Well, now you know.).
And if we’re being honest, Mass Effect 3 is completely unplayable without the Prothean character, Javik. I mean, his occasional comments on certain elements of the game are absolutely crucial to our understanding and enjoyment of every aspect of the Mass Effect Universe. How would we ever have the vaguest clue what is going on if his character were not there? We’d have to, like, pay attention and shit. Maybe even use some inference and deductive reasoning, and nobody wants that in a deep and intellectual video game series that forces you to confront real-life issues and make important decisions based upon limited knowledge and/or understanding.
No, I’m sure we can all agree that we should have been given that content on-disc and for free, plus maybe a 2-liter bottle of Cola, a bag of popcorn and a large-breasted blonde prostitute who could blow us while we played. (I demanded this in a recent letter to EA, who responded by telling me that I’d still have to pay for the DLC, they weren’t allowed to distribute foodstuffs for legal reasons, but that they had at least booked me an appointment with a hooker. Something about “needing to get laid” or something.)
2 – Jessica Chobot and Freddie Prinze Jr.
Seriously, BioWare. Why? Freddie Prinze Jr has been clearly identified in the past as the Prince of Darkness – the very one whose pecker it is that EA sucks – so why sully what could have been a masterpiece by employing this man as a voice actor in ME3. The fact that he is a fine actor who brought a new character to life in a way that nobody else could have achieved is neither here nor there. Nor is the fact that his character had a naturalism and likability that is so very rarely found in video games. You really should listen to all the arrogant, obnoxious fuckfaces of the world who hate a guy for no very good reason when making your casting decisions. Then, perhaps, you would suffer less vengeful wrath from large numbers of douchey twat-fungi.
And as for Jessica Chobot, what was your reason for casting her in that role? She’s not a voice-actress. Her relatively shallow but well-performed character isn’t even essential to the game – she just stands there in her little room giving news reports. It was a major oversight to not give this small role a deep and complex back-story, but it is unforgivable that she is the one character whose romance option does not reward you with the Paramour trophy/achievement. Oh yes, my ire was greatly invoked when I found that I couldn’t have a full-on relationship with a character I hated. Worse yet, when I did try to have sex with her, all I got was a little kiss that wasn’t even finished by the time the screen faded to black! This is unacceptable, BioWare. If you’re going to put an attractive woman into a videogame, you could at least throw in a vigorous sex scene, preferably showing nipples (hers, not Shepard’s…unless you’re playing as FemShep), thrusting and maybe an orgasm or two.
(On a side-note, after enjoying a full-on lesbian relationship with Samantha Traynor, it occurs to me that the women of the future must be extremely frustrated and unhappy with the fact that there is, apparently, only one style and color of brassiere available in their time. Or is that official, standard-issue N7 underwear?)
(On another side-note, why is it that, in a game that prides itself on giving you options at every turn, not once in the whole trilogy are you given the choice to tear off your love-interest’s panties with your teeth? Shame on you, BioWare.)
- “Don’t be upset – maybe we can design a new bra *together*…”
And all this in addition to the fact that Ms Chobot’s appearance dragged me, kicking and screaming, out of the game. The second I saw her I thought, “hey! That’s Jessica Chobot, the chick from IGN that a small but vocal subsection of the gaming community hates with an irrational and hyperbolic passion. Diana Allers my arse! How am I going to immerse myself fully into the fictional sci-fi world now that I’ve realized that the voice-actors in this game are real people who are merely pretending to be the characters that they portray in this piece of fantastical entertainment?”
This is the exact same problem I had with Jurassic Park when I recognized Jeff Goldblum, Richard Attenborough, Laura Dern, Bob Peck, Sam Neill and Samuel L. Jackson, not to mention movies such as the Matrix, in which I identified Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Anne Moss, Hugo Weaving and Laurence Fishburne. And The Fugitive, whenever Harrison Ford, Tommy Lee Jones and Andreas Katsulas showed up on screen. And, much as I am looking forward to the forthcoming Men In Black 3, I can’t help but worry that the whole experience will be ruined for me by the inclusion of Will Smith, an actor whom I love, but sadly also recognize.
As this blog descends into the dark and terrifying realm of TL;DR, I shall sign off, but I urge you to keep an eye on the airwaves for Part 2 of this epic dissection of 2012’s biggest game, coming soon to a blog near you.
Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part 2
Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part 3
The Daily Heretic 