And so on to Part 2 of this blog, the definitive run-down of Mass Effect 3’s Arse-Suckiness. But, before I begin, I shall quote the words of Captain Ahab in Moby Dick:
Thar Be Spoilers Ahead!
Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
3. Load Times and Other Oddities
Last time I checked, it was the 21st Century and games were capable of loading in fairly short order, but Mass Effect 3’s load times exceed those even of the old, coal-fired, steam-driven home computers of yore. It can take in excess of thirty seconds to travel from the Normandy’s airlock to the Citadel’s airlock – a time period that, in these modern days of microseconds, nanoseconds and picoseconds, is quite simply unacceptable. Bear in mind that this is a period of time during which not only can you not play any games, but you also don’t get a glimpse of any skin-tight leather-clad breasts or bottoms. Instead, Bioware have seen fit to thrust upon you an essentially static image of one ship or other against a background of distinctly non-sexually-arousing stars with an irritating icon on the bottom right-hand corner that smugly taunts you with its simple message of “Loading”.
But what really grinds my gears is the scanner on the Normandy between the CIC and the War Room. I’m Commander Shepard, for Christ’s sake! Surely I should be allowed to travel freely about my own fucking spaceship?! Okay, okay, so the War Room is the most sensitive area of the ship, occasionally housing some of the most valuable people in the galaxy and maintaining secure communications with Earth, whilst simultaneously giving access to every major council in the galaxy, and as such is a place that certainly requires top-notch security….but I’m Commander Shepard and I don’t see why the rules should have to apply to me. I have to stand under a glowing blue light while two members of crew spout mindless inanities at one another in front of their senior officer (and let me tell you that, when this is all over and we get back to Earth, I’m thinking there might be a court martial or two to look forward to).
And no “Twiddle Thumbs” option while you wait. Seriously, Bioware, you’re missing opportunities left, right and center here.
- THERE, Grumpy, I fixed it for you! Are you happy now? Are you? ARE YOU?!! =D
4. The Prize
Jacob mentions it when you enter into a relationship with him in Mass Effect 2, but what is it? I was hoping Mass Effect 3 would answer this important question, but it’s just one of many that BioWare have evaded in the conclusion to this epic tale.
5. Play Modes
The Mass Effect series has always been a Roleplaying Game first and everything else second, except for the intense 3rd-person shooter mechanics and the limited leveling-up that define RPGs as a whole. So for BioWare to kowtow to non-RPG fans with their pathetically shallow alternative play styles – namely “Action” and “Story” modes – is a slap in the face for Real Fans of the Mass Effect games.
Let’s be honest here: what would happen if a long-time RPG fan were to accidentally play through Mass Effect as an action game? They might turn into an action game fan, turn their back on RPGs and never play one again. Worse still, if they were to play in Story Mode they might give up on video games altogether and just spend their lives watching movies. These are concerns that BioWare hadn’t even thought through! They could be shooting themselves in the foot here – if RPG fans leave in droves then what happens to BioWare’s fanbase?
Hell, it’s like Mass Effect isn’t even an RPG any more, except for the fact that Roleplaying Mode still exists and plays exactly like any previous installment in the Mass Effect franchise. Damn BioWare for giving gamers extra options. How dare they?
6. Main Cast Deaths
Major spoiler coming up, but did you know that Tali commits suicide? I’ve spent two-and-a-half games romancing the living shit out of that masked space-chick, and BioWare have not just slapped me in the face but also shat on my head with this “plot twist” that left me saddened and angry. Why does anybody have to die in the game? I mean, despite the fact that there’s a major war going on, the entire galaxy is under threat and there’s some seriously heavy shit going on throughout the entire gameplay experience, BioWare have to add insult to injury by having characters die? That’s just not fair, and I feel robbed – had I known that Tali was a mentally frail nutjob I would have fucked Ashley or Liara, or Miranda in ME2. In fact I almost ditched Tali for Miranda, because I’m fickle and – hey – it’s not like it’s a real relationship anyway, but I didn’t. I stuck with Tali, and this is how she repays me. Bitch.
Of course, I’ve only heard about Tali’s suicide from other players – in my playthrough she actually survived all the way through to the final cutscenes, but that’s not the point.
7. The Normandy’s “Escape”
And so we finally drag ourselves to the first of the major issues with the Mass Effect 3 Ending. From here on out the spoilers get bigger, louder and more annoying for anyone who hasn’t finished the game.
In the end sequence for Mass Effect 3, we see the Normandy escaping the destruction of a Mass Relay, but the big question is, “Why was the Normandy in the Mass Relay in the first place?” plus the associated question of how the teammates who were with me on Earth end up on the Normandy. This is clearly ludicrous, cheap, poor writing and Plot Hole City. It’s as if the writing team for the series was taken out back and shot, then the Wachowski Brothers were brought in to fuck it up for everyone.
Now before anyone starts on at me, I know that Shepard falls unconscious at least twice during the final sequence on the Citadel, so we have no idea how much time has passed between the last time we saw the Normandy and the final shot of its escape from the relay, but that’s not the point! There’s no way that Joker might have sent a team to check Shepard’s last known location for survivors and pick up any of his beloved shipmates who may have been injured during the final push for the beam. When contact was lost with the ground team he would obviously have shrugged and said “Fuck ’em,” so the idea that they might have been saved is clearly insane.
As for the Mass Relay, if there’s one character in the whole Mass Effect series I know well, it’s Joker, even though I only spoke to him a few times and am aware that he often hides his true nature behind a shield of disarming quips and gags. When the Crucible is fired and the huge ball of energy emerges from it, I can assure you that there’s no way that Joker might have feared that it could cripple the ship, performed an evasive manoeuvre , outrun the blast with his FTL drive and entered the Mass Relay in an attempt to escape with his crew intact. No way! He’d have stayed, clung on to his control yoke, closed his eyes, held his breath and waited for his seemingly inevitable death. Hell, he’d probably have flown straight toward the Crucible, just to make sure! This is Joker we’re talking about here – think about it.
And once again I find myself beyond my self-imposed blog length limit. Stay tuned for the next part of this series, in which I explain how the Mass Relays would have destroyed the whole galaxy, discuss the implications of the Fleet left stranded around Earth, complain about the obvious Deus Ex Machina bullshit at the end, and rail against the lack of closure, while simultaneously counting the number of tears I have collected in my special Mass Effect Tear Jar.
Until next time…
Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part 1
Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part 3
The Daily Heretic 