Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part Five

THE FINAL CHAPTER

And so we finally come to the end of this dissection of BioWare’s vomit-inducingly disappointing finale to the Mass Effect  series.  While I may not have covered every single gripe, complaint and nauseatingly awful aspect of the game, I feel that I have detailed the core problems and hopefully successfully shown you all that BioWare has been tainted by the virus-like corruption that is EA Games.  (Think “Uroboros” and we’ll be pretty much on the same page.)

But I’m not quite done yet, as there are two final problems I would like to highlight that, for me, ruined the entire experience, to the point that I am contemplating suicide at the very thought that I even inserted these games into my console in the past.  The fact that I enjoyed everything about these games in the past has been negated by everything this blog has discussed, and I now resent the fact that BioWare tricked me into enjoying something so obviously bad.  I have been duped by Corporate Bastards, and I am Not Happy.

14. Shepard’s Acceptance of The End

So you’re Commander Shepard and you’ve fought, struggled and hauled yourself to the game’s finale.  Throughout your life you have striven to do what’s right, battled evil and corruption wherever it reared its ugly head.  You have defeated the wicked, befriended the noble, overcome all challenges and are faced with one final choice: Red, Green or Blue.

That’s an oversimplification, of course: the actual choices are slightly more nuanced.  You can choose to destroy the reapers, plus all synthetic life in the galaxy (which seems a bit harsh to the Geth), you can choose the Synthesis option, in which all organic and synthetic life in the galaxy smooshes together into some kind of race of cosmic Terminators, or you can choose to Control the Reapers, whereby nothing changes except for the fact that the Reapers stop creaming all life in the galaxy.

That’s it.  Those are your options.  No Renegade option.  No Paragon option.  Just those three choices.

But hang on a fucking minute!  This is Commander Shepard!  There should be other options!  Shepard has always been given other options for important decisions.  Where’s my Renegade and Paragon choices?

If I was a Renegade then I’d draw my pistol and shoot that little VI bastard right through the head, which wouldn’t do anything to it since it is no more than a projection of photons, and Shepard has no idea where the source of the VI is, but it would sure as shit make Shepard feel better.  Then he’d grab a fire ax and start smashing up the console, refusing to select any of these choices.  As a Renegade, Shepard would say, “Fuck You!!!  I reject your choices!  I’m going to destroy the Crucible so that I don’t have to listen to this shit. Yeah!  And when the Crucible’s gone, you just see if you can force me into a decision-making process, fucker!!  So what if the Crucible is our only hope to defeat the Reapers?  I’ll dash those hopes into the vacuum of space and then float out there and take on the fucking Reapers myself.  Yeah, I’ll wrestle those bedbug-looking motherfuckers right into the ground.  You can’t defeat me!  I am invincible!!!!!”

That’s what should happen: the Crucible explodes, Shepard is thrown from the explosion, tumbles through the inky blackness of space, expertly dodging laser fire, until he lands on the big red eye of a Reaper, and using his Biotic powers and a really Big Fucking Gun he rips that deadly beam right out of the Reapers ugly fucking face.  And when that Reaper’s down he pushes off and drifts right on over to the next one and does the same thing.  I’d happily accept a sequence of QTE’s just to see that fucking ending.  I’d take those bastards down single-fucking-handed.  You just watch me!

Alternatively, you could take the Paragon option.  In this ending, Shepard would sit down and, through an hour-long series of discussions, explanations and dialogue-wheels, I’d convince the VI that his three choices suck.  Despite the fact that the VI is stuck in an artificial cycle of false logic, I’d break through that confusion and explain how synthetic life can be good and how it should be preserved.  Finally, after much negotiation, the little VI would turn around and say, “you know what, Shepard?  I was only kidding – there’s actually other choices, since the Crucible can be infinitely calibrated to produce any outcome you wish.  I was only fucking around when I said that there were just those three options.  If I press this button right here,” (he presses a button on the console, even though he’s just a light projection and not a real corporeal being), “we can access the Rose Petals and Perfume option, in which the Reapers are suffocated by a beautiful shower of blossom and floral scents.  Then, if we press this button next,” (he inexplicably presses another button on the console), “Earth is magically rebuilt, better than it was before, and the Galactic Fleet is returned to its homeworlds.  And finally, because you’re such a wonderful person who has shown me the light and explained the inexplicable, I shall press the ‘Make Shepard Immortal’ button, so that you can never die and you can live in peace, harmony and tranquility with <insert romance option here>.”

That’s what BioWare should have done.  Anything else is bullshit.

15. Similarity of Endings

By now we have established just how abhorrent this game is, but the icing on the cake is the fact that, even with these three retarded options, the endings are all fundamentally the same anyway, differing only, fundamentally, in the color of the beam that is dispersed among the Mass Relays.  It’s almost as if the writers are making a mockery of the entire concept of Choice in their video game, because at the end of the day we find that, despite all our choices, all our decisions, all our relationships, friendships and alliances, what it all comes down to is “Mass Relays destroyed, Galaxy gets Royally Fucked.”

It’s almost as if there are some things, especially Big things, that are inevitable, and our choices make no difference.  It’s like saying that, in Real Life, there are some things that we just can’t change.  What a ludicrous assertion!  In Real Life, my decision to befriend John Smith from Basingstoke, rekindle a friendship between him and Frank McDonald, start a romance with Becky Riley and have bacon and eggs for breakfast could quite legitimately have a bearing on whether or not WalMart goes into receivership.  To deny this possibility is to deny the nature of the very webs we weave as we wander through our daily lives.

Why, for example, and as we have already touched on, does it make no real difference how many War Assets we have accumulated?  Surely, if we gather every available asset then we should be able to take on the Reapers by ourselves, without the aid of the Crucible?  Or are they implying that even the amassed fleet of the Galaxy won’t be able to stop them?  Madness!

Also, if Liara is able to access the plans for the Crucible, and Shepard is able to understand Prothean doodads, why does having a relationship with her not result in your ability to make the Crucible work better?  I have some of my best ideas just after a good, hard sex marathon, so it stands to reason that Shepard and Liara could have some sweaty, vigorous shagathons followed by a good old-fashioned brainstorming session.  I bet that if we really put our heads together we could create that “Rose Petals and Perfume” beam.

If Shepard were to have a romance with Garrus I bet that, together, we could calibrate the shit out of the Crucible.  With Miranda, we could use our Biotics to defeat the galactic threat; with Samara, we could Jusitcar their butts off; with Jacob we could overload their systems with the ambiguous promise of some kind of Prize.

By reuniting the Quarians with their creations, the Geth, we could show the Reapers that co-existence is possible.  We could get a Quarian and a Geth to present them with a symbolic wreath, along with a plaque etched with phrases of togetherness and co-operation.

When all is said and done, my disappointment reinforces a long-held belief that I have about life – it’s all about the destination: fuck the journey.  If the destination is not exactly what I want and expect it to be then the journey, no matter how creative, inspiring or enjoyable, suddenly becomes completely worthless, an irritating distraction worthy only of my ridicule, hatred, spite and derision.

BioWare have spent the past several years constructing an immersive, thought-provoking universe in which you play as a character who can embody the player’s own hopes, desires and dreams within a fantastical world full of possibility.  You confront issues and dilemmas that parallel real-world problems; you are made to face metaphorical and allegorical quandries, put into a situation where you have to consider things beyond your own experience, your own comfort-zone and beyond your own life; they make you think of others, think of consequences and side-effects; they give you the opportunity to be good or bad, honest or deceitful, and to see the way these decisions affect other people.

BioWare have made a deep and brilliant series of video games that ends with an uncomfortable ultimate decision, a decision which wrenches at every fibre of your being because you know – you absolutely know – that these are truly the only real options open to you.  That final decision took me several minutes to make.  The consequences of each one, the possibility that I am being deceived by a higher intelligence, the weight on my shoulders of making a decision by myself that will affect the entire galaxy, and the belief that I should try making the absolutely best one, selflessly, for I will not survive beyond that choice.

Fuck you, BioWare.  Fuck you for making me think and feel and emote and empathize.  Fuck you for making me use my imagination, for making me immerse myself in the incredibly deep and complex world of relationships, politics and moral dilemmas.  Fuck you for giving me over a hundred hours of pleasure and enjoyment, for giving me a sense of achievement, for making me enjoy myself.

Fuck you very much.

Mass Effect Sucks Arse – Part 1

Mass Effect Sucks Arse – Part 2

Mass Effect Sucks Arse – Part 3

Mass Effect Sucks Arse – Part 4

Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part Four

“The Ghostbusters are at it again, this time at the fashionable dance club, “The Rose”.  The boys in grey slugged it out with a pretty pesky poltergeist, then stayed on to dance the night away with some of the lovely ladies who witnessed the disturbance.  This is Casey Kasem…”

...and now, on with the countdown…

11. No Closure

So we’ve struggled through three games, put in around 100 hours of effort and met a whole host of other characters, only to find that at the end of the trilogy we don’t know what happens to any of them.  How many of them died in the final assault?  Did Garrus finally get his beer on a beach in Paradise?  Did Samantha Traynor buy the house with the white picket fence?  Did Liara get eaten by another Yahg?  Does Shepard’s model ship collection survive the Normandy’s crash landing?  Will Aria T’Loak ever lighten the fuck up?

It seems likely that we’ll never know the answers to these questions, and that stinks.  After that much effort, I want the final cutscene to be an hour and a half long.  I want some popcorn and a few beers of my own to sup on while I watch a fittingly epic conclusion to the game.  What kind of abject moron would end a story without closure?

And don’t give me any of that “some of the best movies have cliffhanger endings” shit.  No decent movie ends without explaining precisely what happens to all of the major cast members.  Except for John Carpenter’s The Thing.  And Inception.  And the original The Italian Job.  But, aside from them – and a load of other great movies – it’s never done, and do you want to know why?  Because it sucks.  What am I supposed to do – use my imagination?  If I wanted to use my imagination I would have written a book – I play games because I want to turn my brain off and stop all cognitive processes for long periods of time.  I demand to be spoon-fed information.  But thanks to BioWare I now have to write my own ending in my head!  I forked out good money, under great duress, only to have to write the finale myself?  Damn them for creating characters and a world that I became fully invested in, only to end it, much like Real Life, without full details of what happens to everybody else.

I demand that BioWare give me an 8-hour epic movie, which chronicles the complete life of all the characters.  I want it in HD, on Blu-Ray, mailed to my house, and I want that popcorn and beer, or else I shall never buy another BioWare game ever again.

12. No Way to Get a Happy Ending.

After everything I’ve gone through, after all that effort, BioWare don’t even have the decency – the common courtesy – to give me a happy ending.  Don’t get me wrong: I appreciate entertainment that ends on a bittersweet note, or even ends with depressive doom and gloom, but in a game series that prides itself on giving you choice I find it unacceptable that I couldn’t choose a happy ending.

Forget the fact that the Earth – and many dozens of other major planets in the galaxy – is now just a smoking pile of rubble.  Forget the millions or billions of deaths that have occurred throughout the series.  What this game needed was a nice ending, where everything became shiny and wonderful again.

There should have been at least one more option in that final sequence, and here’s what I recommend: another beam (preferably purple…I like purple) that fires down the Mass Relays and sends everyone back in time to before the Reapers ever got there, but with full knowledge of what was going to happen.  Then we could sort the Reaper shit out before it even knocked on our door.  The end sequence could echo the end of Independence Day, with people the world over jumping up and down in joy and cheering.  The final scene could have Garrus and Shepard sitting in sunloungers on that beach, bluebirds flitting about their shoulders, deer and foxes and other woodland creatures emerging from the undergrowth, then coming up and nuzzling the Savior of Humanity as if to say “I appreciate everything you did to save me and all my woodland friends – we shall all live in harmony now.”  It could end with a scene of a Lion and a Polar Bear shaking hands and then hugging.

Instead, BioWare gave us “Bad”, “Worse”, and “What-In-The-Name-Of-Fuck?” endings.  It’s ridiculous to think that this outcome could have been avoided if only they had put in one quick phonecall to Pixar.

13. Deus Ex Machina and Retarded Logic

So we finally stagger up to the Citadel, we defeat The Illusive Man (which leads me to believe that the writers were huge Monty Python fans) and we’re about to save the world, when what should happen?  A fucking glowing kid shows up!  And it’s the stupid fucking brat that you tried to save on Earth at the beginning of the game, who’d still be alive if a) he’d come with you when you fucking told him to, or b) got in the fucking shuttle straight away rather than standing in the middle of the carnage looking up at the very monsters that were about to kill him.  What a little asshole.

So why is he there?  I’m going to assume that the “alien” has read Shepard’s thoughts and has presented itself to him/her in a form that he/she recognizes – a form that is readily present in the forefront of Shepard’s mind.  No problem with that.  But what the fuck is this thing?  Is it some kind of VI or some kind of AI or is it an actual alien being, perhaps made of energy?  (It certainly looks a lot like the Prothean VI, with the flickering light and all, so I’m willing to bet that it’s a VI.)

But what is it?  What race created it?  Does that race even exist any more?  He says that he created the reapers – he makes it sound like he created them by himself.  So did he create them before or after his race died out, assuming they died out, of course, which they probably did because they’re not there in person.

And what about his reasons for creating the Reapers?  His logic is retarded.  “I made these synthetics to wipe out organics before synthetics come and wipe out the organics that created them first.  And I’m doing it to protect you organics from your own creations.”  That’s the logic of a mental patient.

Now I’ve heard all the counter-arguments and I refuse to listen to them because I’m right and they’re wrong and it doesn’t matter what they have to say.  When they say stuff like, “well, we all knew that somebody created the Reapers, so it stands to reason that the ones who created the Reapers would reveal themselves, so it’s not entirely Deus Ex Machina because this isn’t some completely Unknown Entity,” I just put my fingers in my ears and say “La-la la-la- la-la-laaa!”

When they point out that maybe the creator(s) of the Reapers became so desperate in their attempts to stop synthetics from threatening organic life that they went too far, created the Reapers and were killed by their own creations, leaving only that VI implanted in the Citadel which, in a desperate attempt to justify its race’s actions, constructed an argument which seemed logical on the surface but was riddled with flaws, circular reasoning and a surplus of tautological nonsense, I just say, “HA!  MORON!”

And when they say, “Why don’t you use your own goddamned fucking imagination and work it out for yourself, you arrogant, obnoxious, knee-jerk reactionary dickface?” I just laugh with incredulity and say, “Imagination?!  I can’t do that!  What do you think I paid BioWare for?!”

You’ll be pleased to hear that we are finally nearing the end of this little blog.  I think just one more part will be sufficient to finish off the last few niggles (and by “niggle” I obviously mean “Huge Fucking Problem That Renders The Game Virtually Unplayable”), so stay tuned for the epic finale to the Ultimate Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse blog.

Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part 1

Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part 2

Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part 3

Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part 5

Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part Three

Back once again (I’m on a roll) and blazing a new trail into uncharted territory, here is the unprecedented third (!) installment of the definitive Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse blog.  There’s so very much to get through that, as yet, I don’t know whether or not this will be the final installment, so sit down, strap yourselves in and let’s get straight into the thick of it.

First, of course:

*** SPOILERS ***

Here we go….

8. Destruction of the Mass Relays

I’m pretty sure that everyone and his dog paid for and downloaded the Arrival DLC for Mass Effect 2 – even those people who hate and resent DLC.  I, for example, have vowed to boycott all DLC and make sure that PSN never gets any of my money, which is why I only have 314 items on my Download List under Account Management.  That may sound contradictory, but bear in mind that the majority of those are Rock Band songs, costume packs, expansion packs and overpriced 3rd party games and you’ll see that it’s really not that bad.  Almost 20 of those downloads were free, so I can sleep easy knowing how I’ve ripped off those fucks at Sony.

Anyhoo, I digress.

In Arrival, as I’m sure you are all aware, you are charged with the task of destroying a Mass Relay in Batarian space by slamming an asteroid into it.  The main NPC in the mission, a Dr Kenson, tells you that the Relay will explode like a Supernova and destroy all life in the system (which is a particular bummer because of a large Batarian colony on a nearby planet).

At the end of Mass Effect 3, your ultimate choice will result in the destruction of all the Mass Relays in the galaxy, so it stands to reason that every one of those relays will explode like a Supernova and wipe out all life in the galaxy – no happy ending here.  In fact, I’d go so far as to say that this is bullshit of the highest order, that the writers of the Mass Effect finale were very probably high on Methamphetamine, and that they have less of a clue than the patrons of a Creationists’ Convention.

Okay, so some people might argue that there’s a difference between destroying a relay with a controlled pulse of directed energy – that probably drains the Mass Effect core, sapping its energy and thereby reducing the resulting explosion by a factor of a gagillion – and smacking it with a rock, but that’s clearly a mountainous pile of steaming donkey dung.  Obviously the Crucible, which was expertly designed by the highly intelligent Protheans some 50,000 years previously, was created with the intention of dispersing a fatal blast across the galaxy.  That just stands to reason.  After wiping out the Reapers, why would the Protheans want, or even expect, to live?  Far better to cobble together a device that sterilizes the entire Milky Way.

I would further point to the wide-angle shot of the galaxy as the beam fires from one relay to the next, and highlight the vastness of the enormous shockwaves that emanate from the Relay explosions.  Those who insist on calling the game’s ending “Good” (shudder) try to shrug this off as merely the dispersal of the Destroy/Control/Synthesis wave that we see enveloping the Earth during the cutscene, but that’s crap because I know what a shockwave looks like – I’ve watched more shockwaves in movies than I care to count, so I know exactly what one looks like – and those expanding rings are definitely shockwaves.  “Dispersal of Energy” my arse.

…or so the argument goes….

No, the writers of Mass Effect 3’s ending are clearly closet terrorists who dream of wiping out all life, but in the absence of their ability to actually fulfill this task they have chosen instead to merely create a clever simulation of it and try to tell us that it’s all right, we’ll be fine.

Bastards.

9. Galactic Fleet stranded at Earth

Once again, so much for Happy Endings.  You’ve spent the entire game amassing a fleet of thousands of ships from every conceivable race in the galaxy – Turians, Quarians, Batarians, Krogan, Geth, Asari and a whole host of others, as well as groups of interstellar thugs, bounty hunters and other assorted douchebags – and when it’s all over none of them can get back home thanks to your destruction of the Mass Relays.  What are they all going to eat?  Each other?

I don’t know about you, but I’m deeply unsettled about the idea of Earth having to become a refugee camp for the occupants of hundreds of other planets, especially since it has now become a rubble-strewn compost heap, but there seems to be no other choice.  It’s not like the galactic fleet can use their FTL drives to just fly to neighboring systems which, while not their own homes, might provide them with suitable accommodation, is it?  After all, there’s almost certainly no other inhabitable planets in our entire area of space, despite the fact that the advanced technology of the future can clearly help to build colonies on otherwise inhospitable worlds.

I think it’s terrible that the creators of this game could leave so many millions (indeed billions) of people having to struggle to survive when the clearly much better option was to have them all be killed by the Reapers.  I’d rather die than have to try to make a contingency plan or – God Forbid – do some actual work.  How we’re expected to believe that these highly advanced, technologically superior races could actually survive this outcome is beyond me.  It’s not like they can just build stuff.

10. Why did we spend so much time collecting those War Assets?

Oh dear, we’re into double figures here, that’s how very deeply, embarrassingly bad this game is.  I’ve heard this question asked around the Interweb and I find myself agreeing: what exactly was the point of collecting all those war assets for the final assault if, when all is said and done, you’re bullied into making the same three choices.

Okay, so if you don’t have the war assets then your choices become limited to the point that, if you are too lacking, you are forced into a one-way street where you only have a single option.  And, of course, that the entire game is about collecting war assets, so if you don’t collect any then it’s a really short game.  And forget about the fact that accumulating war assets is extremely fun and satisfying – we don’t play games for fun and satisfaction, do we?  No, we play games for fucking results, and this particular game fails to deliver those results.

I think a better option for BioWare would have been to release Mass Effect 3 not as a video game, but rather as a 4-frame comic strip, like Peanuts or Calvin & Hobbes.  If they could pad it out a bit then they could do an 8-frame one, like you get in the Sunday funny pages.  Then it could be in color, too.

or….

Well, much to my amazement (and yours too, I should imagine), I have run out of space once again.  A fourth part to this epic blog is now required, such is this game’s bum-clenching shiteness.  I shall return with Part 4 soon, unless I succumb to the allure of my razor blade and slash my wrists over this travesty of a game.  It may be the only way to redeem myself.

Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part 1

Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part 2

Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part 4

Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part 5

Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part Two

And so on to Part 2 of this blog, the definitive run-down of Mass Effect 3’s Arse-Suckiness.  But, before I begin, I shall quote the words of Captain Ahab in Moby Dick:

Thar Be Spoilers Ahead!

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

3. Load Times and Other Oddities

Last time I checked, it was the 21st Century and games were capable of loading in fairly short order, but Mass Effect 3’s load times exceed those even of the old, coal-fired, steam-driven home computers of yore.  It can take in excess of thirty seconds to travel from the Normandy’s airlock to the Citadel’s airlock – a time period that, in these modern days of microseconds, nanoseconds and picoseconds, is quite simply unacceptable.  Bear in mind that this is a period of time during which not only can you not play any games, but you also don’t get a glimpse of any skin-tight leather-clad breasts or bottoms.  Instead, Bioware have seen fit to thrust upon you an essentially static image of one ship or other against a background of distinctly non-sexually-arousing stars with an irritating icon on the bottom right-hand corner that smugly taunts you with its simple message of “Loading”.

But what really grinds my gears is the scanner on the Normandy between the CIC and the War Room.  I’m Commander Shepard, for Christ’s sake!  Surely I should be allowed to travel freely about my own fucking spaceship?!  Okay, okay, so the War Room is the most sensitive area of the ship, occasionally housing some of the most valuable people in the galaxy and maintaining secure communications with Earth, whilst simultaneously giving access to every major council in the galaxy, and as such is a place that certainly requires top-notch security….but I’m Commander Shepard and I don’t see why the rules should have to apply to me.  I have to stand under a glowing blue light while two members of crew spout mindless inanities at one another in front of their senior officer (and let me tell you that, when this is all over and we get back to Earth, I’m thinking there might be a court martial or two to look forward to).

And no “Twiddle Thumbs” option while you wait.  Seriously, Bioware, you’re missing opportunities left, right and center here.

THERE, Grumpy, I fixed it for you! Are you happy now? Are you? ARE YOU?!! =D

4. The Prize

Jacob mentions it when you enter into a relationship with him in Mass Effect 2, but what is it?  I was hoping Mass Effect 3 would answer this important question, but it’s just one of many that BioWare have evaded in the conclusion to this epic tale.

5. Play Modes

The Mass Effect series has always been a Roleplaying Game first and everything else second, except for the intense 3rd-person shooter mechanics and the limited leveling-up that define RPGs as a whole.  So for BioWare to kowtow to non-RPG fans with their pathetically shallow alternative play styles – namely “Action” and “Story” modes – is a slap in the face for Real Fans of the Mass Effect games.

Let’s be honest here: what would happen if a long-time RPG fan were to accidentally play through Mass Effect as an action game?  They might turn into an action game fan, turn their back on RPGs and never play one again.  Worse still, if they were to play in Story Mode they might give up on video games altogether and just spend their lives watching movies.  These are concerns that BioWare hadn’t even thought through!  They could be shooting themselves in the foot here – if RPG fans leave in droves then what happens to BioWare’s fanbase?

Hell, it’s like Mass Effect isn’t even an RPG any more, except for the fact that Roleplaying Mode still exists and plays exactly like any previous installment in the Mass Effect franchise.  Damn BioWare for giving gamers extra options.  How dare they?

6. Main Cast Deaths

Major spoiler coming up, but did you know that Tali commits suicide?  I’ve spent two-and-a-half games romancing the living shit out of that masked space-chick, and BioWare have not just slapped me in the face but also shat on my head with this “plot twist” that left me saddened and angry.  Why does anybody have to die in the game?  I mean, despite the fact that there’s a major war going on, the entire galaxy is under threat and there’s some seriously heavy shit going on throughout the entire gameplay experience, BioWare have to add insult to injury by having characters die?  That’s just not fair, and I feel robbed – had I known that Tali was a mentally frail nutjob I would have fucked Ashley or Liara, or Miranda in ME2.  In fact I almost ditched Tali for Miranda, because I’m fickle and – hey – it’s not like it’s a real relationship anyway, but I didn’t.  I stuck with Tali, and this is how she repays me.  Bitch.

Of course, I’ve only heard about Tali’s suicide from other players – in my playthrough she actually survived all the way through to the final cutscenes, but that’s not the point.

7. The Normandy’s “Escape”

And so we finally drag ourselves to the first of the major issues with the Mass Effect 3 Ending.  From here on out the spoilers get bigger, louder and more annoying for anyone who hasn’t finished the game.

In the end sequence for Mass Effect 3, we see the Normandy escaping the destruction of a Mass Relay, but the big question is, “Why was the Normandy in the Mass Relay in the first place?” plus the associated question of how the teammates who were with me on Earth end up on the Normandy.  This is clearly ludicrous, cheap, poor writing and Plot Hole City.  It’s as if the writing team for the series was taken out back and shot, then the Wachowski Brothers were brought in to fuck it up for everyone.

Now before anyone starts on at me, I know that Shepard falls unconscious at least twice during the final sequence on the Citadel, so we have no idea how much time has passed between the last time we saw the Normandy and the final shot of its escape from the relay, but that’s not the point!  There’s no way that Joker might have sent a team to check Shepard’s last known location for survivors and pick up any of his beloved shipmates who may have been injured during the final push for the beam.  When contact was lost with the ground team he would obviously have shrugged and said “Fuck ’em,” so the idea that they might have been saved is clearly insane.

As for the Mass Relay, if there’s one character in the whole Mass Effect series I know well, it’s Joker, even though I only spoke to him a few times and am aware that he often hides his true nature behind a shield of disarming quips and gags.  When the Crucible is fired and the huge ball of energy emerges from it, I can assure you that there’s no way that Joker might have feared that it could cripple the ship, performed an evasive manoeuvre , outrun the blast with his FTL drive and entered the Mass Relay in an attempt to escape with his crew intact.  No way!  He’d have stayed, clung on to his control yoke, closed his eyes, held his breath and waited for his seemingly inevitable death.  Hell, he’d probably have flown straight toward the Crucible, just to make sure!  This is Joker we’re talking about here – think about it.

And once again I find myself beyond my self-imposed blog length limit.  Stay tuned for the next part of this series, in which I explain how the Mass Relays would have destroyed the whole galaxy, discuss the implications of the Fleet left stranded around Earth, complain about the obvious Deus Ex Machina bullshit at the end, and rail against the lack of closure, while simultaneously counting the number of tears I have collected in my special Mass Effect Tear Jar.

Until next time…

Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part 1

Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part 3

Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part 4

Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part 5 

Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part One

The last of my original Sucks Arse blogs became so expansive that I ended up writing it in five parts.  The game garnered such venomous spite from gamers across the internet that I simply couldn’t call them all douchebags in just one post.  The posts came thick and fast and, for the first time in Sucks Arse history, five Sucks Arse blogs were posted on each of five consecutive days, from April 24th to April 28th 2012.  Such was the blog’s popularity that pictures from and links to it were posted by random users on the Bioware forum pages, much to my amusement and horror (here’s still, to this day, hoping that the folks at Bioware, if they read those posts, have a damn good sense of humor).  So, without further ado, and with no more comment from me on parts two to five, here is my magnum opus, Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse…

Oh yes, you all knew this day was coming and finally it is here.  The Interweb has been aflame with controversy over Bioware’s latest offering, Mass Effect 3, but now it is time to put all controversy to bed with the definitive explanation of exactly how and why the conclusion of the sci-fi trilogy sucks arse.  (I realize that there are dozens of web pages and YouTube videos that claim to be the definitive explanation, but that’s bullshit and you know it.)

Before I begin, I’d better say the necessary:

***SPOILERS***

There.  That makes me feel better.

So you’ve probably figured that this whole blog is about the ending(s) to Mass Effect 3.  Well, the majority of it focuses on the ending(s), but there are a few points to make about the game as a whole, things so Earth-shatteringly important that they may very well be the reason the Reapers decided to wipe out all human life in the first place, so I shall start with them.

(NB – I’m going to bullet-point the shit out of this bitch.)

1 – Day One DLC

There are few things as brain-haemmorhagingly awful as extra content that comes out on the same day that the game is released.  Let’s face it, if I’ve spent $60 (£40) on a game then I don’t want to be spending an extra $10 (£7.99) on DLC (DownLoadable Content) on the same day (24-hour period) that I (me) purchased (bought) the game (audio-visual entertainment software).

This issue is clearly all EA’s fault, because they’re devil-children, suckers of Satan’s pecker and, officially (in some online poll) the Worst Company In America (yeah – fuck the bankers, a videogame company trumps those assholes every time).  I mean, I’m sure that BioWare worked hard on Mass Effect 3, only to be hamstrung by the corporate monsters at Electronic Arts.  I’m sure that, during the down-time between finishing the main game and it being put on store shelves, the BioWare crew felt that they would selflessly put many hours of unpaid work into creating an expansive add-on for a videogame, releasing it for free to the masses with an abject apology that it wasn’t in the final release of the game.  Because, you know, game designers don’t need to earn money – they can sustain themselves on a diet consisting exclusively of digital data (ever wonder where the phrase “Having a Byte To Eat” came from?  Well, now you know.).

And if we’re being honest, Mass Effect 3 is completely unplayable without the Prothean character, Javik.  I mean, his occasional comments on certain elements of the game are absolutely crucial to our understanding and enjoyment of every aspect of the Mass Effect Universe.  How would we ever have the vaguest clue what is going on if his character were not there?  We’d have to, like, pay attention and shit.  Maybe even use some inference and deductive reasoning, and nobody wants that in a deep and intellectual video game series that forces you to confront real-life issues and make important decisions based upon limited knowledge and/or understanding.

No, I’m sure we can all agree that we should have been given that content on-disc and for free, plus maybe a 2-liter bottle of Cola, a bag of popcorn and a large-breasted blonde prostitute who could blow us while we played.  (I demanded this in a recent letter to EA, who responded by telling me that I’d still have to pay for the DLC, they weren’t allowed to distribute foodstuffs for legal reasons, but that they had at least booked me an appointment with a hooker.  Something about “needing to get laid” or something.)

2 – Jessica Chobot and Freddie Prinze Jr.

Seriously, BioWare.  Why?  Freddie Prinze Jr has been clearly identified in the past as the Prince of Darkness – the very one whose pecker it is that EA sucks – so why sully what could have been a masterpiece by employing this man as a voice actor in ME3.  The fact that he is a fine actor who brought a new character to life in a way that nobody else could have achieved is neither here nor there.  Nor is the fact that his character had a naturalism and likability that is so very rarely found in video games.  You really should listen to all the arrogant, obnoxious fuckfaces  of the world who hate a guy for no very good reason when making your casting decisions.  Then, perhaps, you would suffer less vengeful wrath from large numbers of douchey twat-fungi.

And as for Jessica Chobot, what was your reason for casting her in that role? She’s not a voice-actress.  Her relatively shallow but well-performed character isn’t even essential to the game – she just stands there in her little room giving news reports.  It was a major oversight to not give this small role a deep and complex back-story, but it is unforgivable that she is the one character whose romance option does not reward you with the Paramour trophy/achievement.  Oh yes, my ire was greatly invoked when I found that I couldn’t have a full-on relationship with a character I hated.  Worse yet, when I did try to have sex with her, all I got was a little kiss that wasn’t even finished by the time the screen faded to black!  This is unacceptable, BioWare.  If you’re going to put an attractive woman into a videogame, you could at least throw in a vigorous sex scene, preferably showing nipples (hers, not Shepard’s…unless you’re playing as FemShep), thrusting and maybe an orgasm or two.

(On a side-note, after enjoying a full-on lesbian relationship with Samantha Traynor, it occurs to me that the women of the future must be extremely frustrated and unhappy with the fact that there is, apparently, only one style and color of brassiere available in their time.  Or is that official, standard-issue N7 underwear?)

(On another side-note, why is it that, in a game that prides itself on giving you options at every turn, not once in the whole trilogy are you given the choice to tear off your love-interest’s panties with your teeth?  Shame on you, BioWare.)

“Don’t be upset – maybe we can design a new bra *together*…”

And all this in addition to the fact that Ms Chobot’s appearance dragged me, kicking and screaming, out of the game.  The second I saw her I thought, “hey!  That’s Jessica Chobot, the chick from IGN that a small but vocal subsection of the gaming community hates with an irrational and hyperbolic passion.  Diana Allers my arse!  How am I going to immerse myself fully into the fictional sci-fi world now that I’ve realized that the voice-actors in this game are real people who are merely pretending to be the characters that they portray in this piece of fantastical entertainment?”

This is the exact same problem I had with Jurassic Park when I recognized Jeff Goldblum, Richard Attenborough, Laura Dern, Bob Peck, Sam Neill and Samuel L. Jackson, not to mention movies such as the Matrix, in which I identified Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Anne Moss, Hugo Weaving and Laurence Fishburne.  And The Fugitive, whenever Harrison Ford, Tommy Lee Jones and Andreas Katsulas showed up on screen.  And, much as I am looking forward to the forthcoming Men In Black 3, I can’t help but worry that the whole experience will be ruined for me by the inclusion of Will Smith, an actor whom I love, but sadly also recognize.

As this blog descends into the dark and terrifying realm of TL;DR, I shall sign off, but I urge you to keep an eye on the airwaves for Part 2 of this epic dissection of 2012’s biggest game, coming soon to a blog near you.

Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part 2

Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part 3

Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part 4

Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part 5