Back once again (I’m on a roll) and blazing a new trail into uncharted territory, here is the unprecedented third (!) installment of the definitive Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse blog. There’s so very much to get through that, as yet, I don’t know whether or not this will be the final installment, so sit down, strap yourselves in and let’s get straight into the thick of it.
First, of course:
*** SPOILERS ***
Here we go….
8. Destruction of the Mass Relays
I’m pretty sure that everyone and his dog paid for and downloaded the Arrival DLC for Mass Effect 2 – even those people who hate and resent DLC. I, for example, have vowed to boycott all DLC and make sure that PSN never gets any of my money, which is why I only have 314 items on my Download List under Account Management. That may sound contradictory, but bear in mind that the majority of those are Rock Band songs, costume packs, expansion packs and overpriced 3rd party games and you’ll see that it’s really not that bad. Almost 20 of those downloads were free, so I can sleep easy knowing how I’ve ripped off those fucks at Sony.
Anyhoo, I digress.
In Arrival, as I’m sure you are all aware, you are charged with the task of destroying a Mass Relay in Batarian space by slamming an asteroid into it. The main NPC in the mission, a Dr Kenson, tells you that the Relay will explode like a Supernova and destroy all life in the system (which is a particular bummer because of a large Batarian colony on a nearby planet).
At the end of Mass Effect 3, your ultimate choice will result in the destruction of all the Mass Relays in the galaxy, so it stands to reason that every one of those relays will explode like a Supernova and wipe out all life in the galaxy – no happy ending here. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that this is bullshit of the highest order, that the writers of the Mass Effect finale were very probably high on Methamphetamine, and that they have less of a clue than the patrons of a Creationists’ Convention.
Okay, so some people might argue that there’s a difference between destroying a relay with a controlled pulse of directed energy – that probably drains the Mass Effect core, sapping its energy and thereby reducing the resulting explosion by a factor of a gagillion – and smacking it with a rock, but that’s clearly a mountainous pile of steaming donkey dung. Obviously the Crucible, which was expertly designed by the highly intelligent Protheans some 50,000 years previously, was created with the intention of dispersing a fatal blast across the galaxy. That just stands to reason. After wiping out the Reapers, why would the Protheans want, or even expect, to live? Far better to cobble together a device that sterilizes the entire Milky Way.
I would further point to the wide-angle shot of the galaxy as the beam fires from one relay to the next, and highlight the vastness of the enormous shockwaves that emanate from the Relay explosions. Those who insist on calling the game’s ending “Good” (shudder) try to shrug this off as merely the dispersal of the Destroy/Control/Synthesis wave that we see enveloping the Earth during the cutscene, but that’s crap because I know what a shockwave looks like – I’ve watched more shockwaves in movies than I care to count, so I know exactly what one looks like – and those expanding rings are definitely shockwaves. “Dispersal of Energy” my arse.
- …or so the argument goes….
No, the writers of Mass Effect 3’s ending are clearly closet terrorists who dream of wiping out all life, but in the absence of their ability to actually fulfill this task they have chosen instead to merely create a clever simulation of it and try to tell us that it’s all right, we’ll be fine.
Bastards.
9. Galactic Fleet stranded at Earth
Once again, so much for Happy Endings. You’ve spent the entire game amassing a fleet of thousands of ships from every conceivable race in the galaxy – Turians, Quarians, Batarians, Krogan, Geth, Asari and a whole host of others, as well as groups of interstellar thugs, bounty hunters and other assorted douchebags – and when it’s all over none of them can get back home thanks to your destruction of the Mass Relays. What are they all going to eat? Each other?
I don’t know about you, but I’m deeply unsettled about the idea of Earth having to become a refugee camp for the occupants of hundreds of other planets, especially since it has now become a rubble-strewn compost heap, but there seems to be no other choice. It’s not like the galactic fleet can use their FTL drives to just fly to neighboring systems which, while not their own homes, might provide them with suitable accommodation, is it? After all, there’s almost certainly no other inhabitable planets in our entire area of space, despite the fact that the advanced technology of the future can clearly help to build colonies on otherwise inhospitable worlds.
I think it’s terrible that the creators of this game could leave so many millions (indeed billions) of people having to struggle to survive when the clearly much better option was to have them all be killed by the Reapers. I’d rather die than have to try to make a contingency plan or – God Forbid – do some actual work. How we’re expected to believe that these highly advanced, technologically superior races could actually survive this outcome is beyond me. It’s not like they can just build stuff.
10. Why did we spend so much time collecting those War Assets?
Oh dear, we’re into double figures here, that’s how very deeply, embarrassingly bad this game is. I’ve heard this question asked around the Interweb and I find myself agreeing: what exactly was the point of collecting all those war assets for the final assault if, when all is said and done, you’re bullied into making the same three choices.
Okay, so if you don’t have the war assets then your choices become limited to the point that, if you are too lacking, you are forced into a one-way street where you only have a single option. And, of course, that the entire game is about collecting war assets, so if you don’t collect any then it’s a really short game. And forget about the fact that accumulating war assets is extremely fun and satisfying – we don’t play games for fun and satisfaction, do we? No, we play games for fucking results, and this particular game fails to deliver those results.
I think a better option for BioWare would have been to release Mass Effect 3 not as a video game, but rather as a 4-frame comic strip, like Peanuts or Calvin & Hobbes. If they could pad it out a bit then they could do an 8-frame one, like you get in the Sunday funny pages. Then it could be in color, too.
or….
Well, much to my amazement (and yours too, I should imagine), I have run out of space once again. A fourth part to this epic blog is now required, such is this game’s bum-clenching shiteness. I shall return with Part 4 soon, unless I succumb to the allure of my razor blade and slash my wrists over this travesty of a game. It may be the only way to redeem myself.
Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part 1
Mass Effect 3 Sucks Arse – Part 2
The Daily Heretic 